Tiffaney Beverly-Malott

In this week’s episode of “Living Well with TLotti”, my internet talkshow here on www.tlotti.com, I interview Darnell Self, a self-made millionaire before the age of 40. In our conversation together we talk about failure. Darnell joined three entrepreneur ventures and made no money before he found the company that made him a millionaire.  When I asked him about those failures, he said, ”I wouldn’t call those experiences failures. I grew through those opportunities…I wasn’t failing. I was falling forward.”

That got me thinking. Why don’t all of us have that same view of failure? Why could he join three different opportunities, invest money, make no money, lose his cars and almost his home; but still view them as growing pains and not abject failures? Most of us, would have stopped looking for the silver lining when we made no money in the first company. We definitely wouldn’t have joined two other companies and become financially devastated in the process. But I’ve seen many accomplished people fail many times before they become a “success”. Why do most of us give up?

This has been on my mind because, like almost everybody else, I set some health goals at the beginning of 2010. I wanted to lose some weight and get back on my workout regimen that faded into the sunset during the holidays. I even set up a tracking system on a whiteboard in my office so I could monitor my progress. Week one: on track. Week two: lost two more pounds and some inches. Week three: lost two more pounds…but no inches. Week four…gained three pounds! What just happened here? As I was charting my progress, I would give myself stars and smiley faces, just like in elementary school. That, somehow, made me feel even better about my journey to a better body. But with week four’s results, I drew a sad face with tears running down my face. I was a failure. I didn’t even want to go into my office because I didn’t want to see my chart.

Was it the reversal of my progress that really got me down? Or was it the way I reacted to it? I mean, did I really have to put the sad face on my chart? What were the teardrops about? It was all so elementary how I was handling it. Was it the end of the world? I felt like I was in 4th grade again. Then I remembered the 4th grade… and it all came back to me.

When I was in the 4th grade my math teacher gave us a pop quiz. It had 50 division problems. I was taken off guard, as most of us were; but I did my best. My test came back with so much red ink on it I could’ve painted a fire engine. Red X’s were all over my paper. I had gotten 46 of the 50 problems wrong. My teacher had written a huge, red ‘F’ on my paper. She then took the time to draw a sad face in the corner. I was devastated. To add insult to injury, we had to take the test home and have it signed by our parents. Humiliation was no longer an issue. I, now, feared for my life; because my mother didn’t play. Seriously, the worst part of the entire incident was I had to relive that bad test score over and over again. I had to face my teacher and my classmates. Then I had to face my parents and my siblings. Everyone knew I couldn’t divide! That experience taught me a few things; 1. Division 2. Do your best to never fail again. It’s the second lesson that affected me the most. For the next twenty years I didn’t work to obtain success. I worked to avoid failure. So many of us live our lives the exact same way. We have made some big mistakes in front of everybody; and we stop trying to achieve more for fear of embarrassing ourselves again.

I’m here to help us with our fear of failure. A web definition of failure I found is: lack of success. Another definition is: an event that does not achieve its intended purpose. These definitions of failure are all so daunting and sad. It seems there is nothing good about missing your mark. My new definition of failure is: a great learning experience. A chance to go after the same goal with more wisdom and insight. It’s a head start in a race where you were falling behind.

This is the our new definition of failure. Love it! Embrace it! It’s time for us to change the way we look at not achieving our goals. These so-called failures build charachter. They give us wisdom that you don’t acquire from winning every time. Failing helps build “mental stamina”. Our incessant fear of failure is why we have an entire culture of spectators and not doers. It is the very reason reality shows have become a billion dollar industry. Because millions of people would rather sit on their couch and watch, coach and berate people that have the guts to get off their couch and do something. Our children are learning to be talkers and not doers, critics and not leaders.

So, I started again with my 2010 health challenge. This time I’m better and wiser. I have identified weak spots and potential pitfalls I need to avoid. I will be stronger these upcoming weeks because I know what to look for, because I’ve been through it already. And I’m better because of it. Watch out for TLotti in Summer, 2010! I will not only be physically stronger, but mentally stronger as well.  Over the years, I have failed many, many times. I still don’t like it and I’m still too hard on myself. But, I have learned to shake it off, give myself a pass, learn from my mistakes and start all over again. I have to get this right, so my children don’t grow up afraid of ‘F’s’ and sad faces. We CAN teach our children to “turn their frowns upside down” with what we do today. So, let’s start embracing our mistakes, blunders and failures. Let’s laugh at them, learn from them and live better because of them.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 28th, 2010 at 9:54 am and is filed under living a better life, personal development. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.